Forgiving Yourself May Be One Of The Most Difficult Things You Have To Do

 I pray that you take the time to read this long post, as it may bless you or someone you know, as well as saving them the pain that unforgiveness brings.  

If you have been following our ministry “ My Brothers' Crossing,” then there's a chance you may have read our book “ In the Blink of an Eye: Forgiveness in Black and White.”  I wrote chapter 16 in our book, entitled “ JT wasn't always this way.” After reading fifteen chapters of all the fantastic things JT did to bring glory to God, I realize some may have skipped reading this chapter.  I completely understand this, and in hindsight, this chapter should have been titled “ JT’s Transformation.”

What many don’t know is that on December 15, 1985, on my way home from Emergency Medical Training, I was hit by a drunk driver who they estimated was going 70 mph when he hit me.  At the time, I weighed all of 100 lbs, and when he hit me, I was thrown forward with my seatbelt catching me and throwing me back into my seat, breaking down the metal inter-workings of my seat.  My spine was severely damaged from top to bottom, and my car was totaled.  Four  weeks after the accident, I went out to test drive a brand-new vehicle.   I called my first husband to see if he wanted to test drive it.  He was fine with me purchasing the car that would be mine.  

Two weeks after purchasing the new vehicle, I drove it all day without problems.  That night, we were out with friends from fire and EMS.  After the
conclusion of our evening out with friends, I would ride home with a friend and meet my husband at home in just a few minutes.  

I arrived home, but he was not yet there.  He should have arrived ten minutes before me.  I went back to town to see if he returned to the restaurant to have me ride with him.  But he was not there.  What you need to realize is that this is January of 1986 when we still had pay phones.  I called my husband’s parents to see if he had, by chance, stopped by.  He had not.  As I climbed back into the vehicle, my fire and rescue radio went off, dispatching a car fire just three miles from where I was.  Something sunk inside me that I had never felt when responding to a car fire as a firefighter and medic over several years.  As I drove to the location of the call, I found a vehicle fully engulfed in flames.  As I put on my turnout gear and began going to the vehicle, I realized it was my new car.  I started screaming my husband’s name.  But nothing.  As I got as close to the flaming vehicle as I could, I could see my husband inside this burning car.  I dropped to my knees, crying out to Jesus.
 
Fire and EMS were not yet on the scene of the call.   They arrived, and I went to deliver the news to my in-laws.  

As the next few months passed after my husband’s death, the drunk driver who hit me became one of my patients.  At that moment, the Holy Spirit moved in me to forgive this man.  He deserved the same forgiveness that Jesus made available for each of us.  Not just for those trying their hardest to live a life glorifying God.  He went to the cross for each of us who would call Him our Lord and Savior and made forgiveness available.  I had no problem forgiving the drunk driver who hit me even though the injuries I sustained on December 15, 1985 have left me in pain everyday for the past 38 1/2 years with one back surgery and cervical spine surgery which has been needed for years.  Yet, I could forgive him.  But I could not forgive myself.  My Christian friends could talk to me about forgiving myself until the cows came home, and I still could not forgive myself.  I had so many reasons not to forgive myself.  It began with my saying, “ I shouldn’t have stopped to get ingredients to make cookies, and I would have been home before being hit.  I shouldn’t have purchased that car.  I should have ridden home with my husband.  If I had ridden home with him, my instinct from being a firefighter would have been to get out of the car if it wasn’t running as it should have been or if dash lights were on indicating a problem.”   I lived with this unforgiveness for several years.  

I’m sure people will question this because I remarried.  Just because I remarried didn’t mean I had forgiven myself.  It wasn’t until I began attending a different church in 1991 that I could finally forgive myself.  

Then there was JT’s overdose in 1993, just 3 1/2 months after the birth of our firstborn daughter.  I should have seen the signs because I was a paramedic.  I knew what to look for.  How could I have missed the signs?  The enemy was coming at me hard once again.  
Praise God for my pastor and those with whom I was so close within the church who helped me to forgive myself for missing the signs that JT was going to attempt to take his life.  

JT shouldn’t be here, as the physician told me that JT got his wish and had 48-72 hours to live.  God heard my prayers and touched JT, fully healing him with no residual liver damage, which is unheard of.  
I say all this to remind everyone having difficulty forgiving themselves that Jesus went to the cross so that you, too, could receive the forgiveness He made available for each of us.  Don’t let the enemy steal your joy, just as I did.  I lost so many years because I couldn’t forgive myself.  

I could share so much more, but this post is already as long as a book. I appreciate each of you who took the time to read this very long post.  Many know our ministry's story but don’t know the whole story of the twenty-eight years of praying for JT’s salvation.  I had decided I would not force this on him.  I would leave this to God to work on JT in His perfect timing.